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Nominated as the best short joke this year:

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

Mum replied, "Not yet."

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither I'm suing beer companies for all the ugly people I've slept with."

Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew
what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy.

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...
its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless

What two things in the air make a woman pregnant? HER LEGS!

errrrrr......... A fertility doctor and cupid?

The difference between "guts" and "balls"

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a
broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "You're next."

Buzzz wrote:errrrrr......... A fertility doctor and cupid?

No. HER LEGS!

Eugene Berkovich wrote:

Buzzz wrote:errrrrr......... A fertility doctor and cupid?

No. HER LEGS!

Oh Eugene!!!!! hehehe Well if anyone oath to know, it would be you! hehehe

Buzzz wrote:

Eugene Berkovich wrote:

Buzzz wrote:errrrrr......... A fertility doctor and cupid?

No. HER LEGS!

Oh Eugene!!!!! hehehe Well if anyone oath to know, it would be you! hehehe

I like 'em that way

You are a naughty boy.

I have one for you and Falc!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

My first job was on a farm putting up hay, couldn't stack it correctly, so I bailed.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I went to school to be a mathematician, but it just didn't add up.

My best job was being a musician; eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So now I'm retired doing nothing and I've found I'm perfect for the job.

BINEAZ you are THE man! hehehehehe

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A STAR WARS GEEK

10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.

9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (no comment)

6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't feel like it' speech.

5. If you get your head stuck in a bucket pretending your Darth Vader

4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.

2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.

Q: Why can't you fool an aborted foetus?










A: Because it wasn't born yesterday.


A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep.

His wife is reading in bed. The man says,
"This is the pig that I fuck when you've
got a headache".

His wife retorts, "I think you'll find
that THAT is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find that
I was talking to the sheep."

Pay Attention!!
A little boy was walking down the street dragging behind him a squashed dead frog;
He stops at a whore house and asks for the dirtiest most disease infested whore she had, and the woman shows him the way;
After finishing the woman notices the frog, and confused she asks whats with the frog?
The boy begins to explain: You see ma'am when your whore touched me she gave me the disease, and tonight when mommy and daddy leave and the babysitter touches me I'm going to give her the disease, and when daddy takes the babysitter home and touches her she is going to give daddy the disease, and when daddy comes home and touches mommy he's going to give mommy the disease, and tomorrow when the milk man comes and mommy touches him she's going to give him the disease and That's The Mother Fucker Who Ran Over My Frog!!!

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3'in housewares,....and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department,ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then
yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."

Q: What's better - Parkinsons or Alzheimers?




A: Parkinsons. It's better to spill half your drink than forget where you put it :P

An oldie, but goodie.. 10 mins, and no 1 single naked woman in it, but it's worth to watch the whole movie::

http://www.milkandcookies.com/stuff/triumphvsw.asx

OK Bineaz, tell us about Chicago hospitals .......

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir", she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to do and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them and being a man he couldn't resist the temptation to push the buttons to see what happenend. He pushed WW and Warm Water gently sprayed his bottom. What a nice feeling he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. He pushed the WA and Warm Air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. He then pushed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers. The ladies restroom was more then a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember doing was pushing the ATR button and then I felt a horrible agonizing pain in my crotch."

The nurse replied, "Well you pushed the button marked ATR. That button
activates the Automatic Tampon Remover. Maintanence is looking for your penis now".

Ouch:)

Falc I think that might have been our dearest Bineaz himself!!!

OUCH -- the pain the horror; poor transexual

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

Don't ya just love lawyers?

Falc wrote:The Deaf Bookkeeper

Don't ya just love lawyers?

Would I run the risk of being sued if I honestly answered this?

Oooh, I'll sue!

"Who's On First" -- new version

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty...

I'll pray for you!

Lol Falc, I borrow that to the LDS people at The junk Drawer

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."


My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.


A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."


Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"


I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Oldies but goodies.

You know what they say.... "The old broom knows all the corners."

"The old broom knows all the corners."

Is that how you would descirbe our friend the Monsignor :

"Stop stealing our Fucking signs"

The mayor of an Austrian town called 'F**king' has appealed to British tourists to stop stealing the road signs.
Siegfried Hauppl said the small town always attracted a lot of attention from tourists driving up from nearby Salzburg to pose for pictures in front of the signs.
But he said that, while the money they spent in the area was welcome, locals were fed up with having to replace the signs because people had been stealing them as souvenirs.
He said: "We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is.
"After all, F**king has existed for 800 years, probably when a Mr F**k or the F**k family moved into the area. The 'ing' was added as a word for settlement."
Apparently the villagers didn't find out about the English meaning of the word until British and American soldiers stationed in the area in 1945 started arriving in large numbers.
Hauppl said: "We all know what it means now, but for us F**king is F**king - we don't give it a second thought."
Franz Duernsteiner, an expert on bizarre Austrian village names, said the residents of F**king were actually very "conservative" people.
He said: "Most of them can speak English, and when someone asks them where they come from they are a little ashamed to say it."
Residents of two other Austrian communities, Windpassing and W**k on the Lake, suffered a similar reluctance, he added.

Really:



Buzzz, thinking of retiring to Croatia?



A wealthy lawyer says he must be the ugliest man in the world after having 5,000 marriage proposals turned down.


And you wonder why Maradona is so screwed up:

Baby swap couples agree not to swap back
Two Argentinian couples whose babies were mixed up in hospital had their compensation cut after they decided not to swap children.
Neither of the families, from Concordia, could bear to be parted from the children they had been raising as their own for six years.
But they both pressed ahead with their claims for compensation from Felipe Heras Hospital, reports Las Ultimas Noticias.
The judge had already agreed that each couple should receive £25,000 - but he reduced the payments to £2,000 after learning of the couples' plans.
A spokesperson for the judge said: “We understand that they are not that distressed with what happened because they said they are happy with their children and do not intend to switch them.
“So I guess they ended up gaining by the hospital's mistake and they don't need such a big compensation after all."



Can this be true?

Students lock up teachers
Students of a school in India locked up their teachers for the day as punishment for not turning up regularly.
Police officers led by a local magistrate rescued 12 teachers from a classroom at the Jambura high school, near Agartala.
Magistrate Basir Ali told The Statesman: “The students have genuine reasons to be angry, as some teachers invariably come late or never attend classes at all.
"There were charges of some teachers coming to the school drunk and some of them smoking inside classes."
The school authorities have now been asked to submit a report on the students' allegations.



This has to be true:

Posh: I have never read a book
Victoria Beckham claims she has never read a book.
She told a Spanish journalist she prefers magazines and music even though she has her name on the cover of one autobiography.
According to the Daily Mail she said: "I haven't read a book in my life. I haven't got enough time. I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines."
In the interview with Chic magazine she also revealed she would like to have more children - and is hoping to have a girl.
She said: "I can imagine myself painting her nails, helping her with her make-up, choosing clothes with her."




Yeah like no one ever thought about it before:

Gulliver's XXX Travels
A Russian book publisher claims the original version of Gulliver's Travels was a pornographic novel.
Neonilla Samukhina says it featuries Gulliver in steamy encounters with 6ins tall Lilliputians or working as a sex toy for 60ft giants.
Ms Samukhina, from St Petersburg, is to market the 'original version' after buying the manuscript.
The Erotic Adventures of Lemuel Gulliver is to go on sale in Moscow book stores this weekend.
Ms Samukhina refused to name the seller, but said the family had bought the manuscript from the Ford family, who were descendants of a close friend of author Jonathan Swift.
"They had tried in the past to get it published but had never been believed that it was genuine, and I was sceptical, but historians have authenticated the age of the material and even style of writing," she said.
A foreword to the book includes a complaint allegedly written by Swift himself about the removal of the erotic passages, which were supposedly a fundamental part of his original novel.
The book has Gulliver describing how Lilliput women give him and themselves sexual pleasure - and how his semen was discovered to have healing properties on Lilliput.
Hermann Real, director of the Ehrenpreis Center for Swift Studies based in Germany and one of the world's leading experts on the writer, dismissed the new work as "an elaborate hoax, mainly devised to promote sales".
And Joseph McMinn, professor of Anglo-Irish literature at the University of Ulster, added: "Every few years somebody comes up with news about unknown manuscripts of famous writers found but very often those things are not real."




A sad time for Ali:

More beer? Not a prayer!
Belgian monks are refusing to make any more beer despite selling out after it was named the world's best.
The trappist monks at Saint Sixtus monastery in Flanders are refusing to brew any more until next year.
They have been producing the dark-brown Westvleteren beer, renowned for its flavour and strength, for 160 years.
But stocks have been exhausted by unprecedented demand since http://www.rateBeer.com named it the best in the world.
Mark Bode, co-ordinator of the claustrum, said: "We produce only as much beer as we need to finance our little community, and not one litre more.
"We produce beer to live, we don't live to produce beer. Foreigners don't often understand why we don't expand production. But to us the life in the abbey is more important than the brewery."
Belgium has six Trappist beers but Westvleteren is the rarest because it has not been distributed commercially since 1941 and can be bought only at Saint Sixtus.

Posh isn't the only loopy one:

Coleen wants coat of arms
Coleen McLoughlin has revealed she wants a coat of arms - showing her love of Maltesers.
She says she wants the coat of arms just like Posh and Becks.
David and Victoria Beckham have a crest showing a white swan perched on what looks like the crown of the Premiership trophy.
She says she wants the crest to reflect her love of shopping and her sweet tooth.
According to The Sun she said: "It will have a Chloe bag and shoes on it. And some Maltesers - my favourite sweets."
Coleen also admitted she still buys a Lotto ticket despite fiance Wayne Rooney earning millions.


Chalk one up for the good girls:

Cheerleaders help nab motorist
A group of cheerleaders who saw a driver speed off after causing a pile-up turned his number plate into an cheer.
The Lincoln High School varsity cheerleading squad didn't have a pen handy when they saw the smash near the University of Michigan campus.
So they did what comes naturally by chanting the car registration in unison to remember it, reports the Ann Arbor News.
Senior captain Kimmie Ostrowski led the nine-member squad's impromptu performance until the police arrived.
She said: "We just started to chant it so we'd remember it and help them get the guy."
Police used the number to trace the 30-year-old driver who may face charges.
The team was on its way to take part in the Universal Cheerleaders Association's four-day Cheer Camp at the university.
Coach Patricia Clark said: "Teamwork is what we're learning here and it took a lot of it very quickly to get him caught. I'm very proud of them."

Winner of Annual Dog House award:

Man left wife at filling station
A Macedonian drove six hours across Italy and into Germany before noticing he had left his wife at a petrol station.
Ljubomir Ivanov , 35, only realised he had forgotten wife Iskra, 37, when he got a call on his mobile from police to say she was still waiting for him at the petrol station near Pesaro, in central Italy.
He said: "I filled up the tank with petrol, paid and then just drove off. I was very tired and not thinking straight.
"She usually sits in the back seat so I didn't really see she wasn't there, until I got a call when I was already in Germany."
My Ivanov immediately drove back to Pesaro to pick up his wife so they could resume their holiday.
"I had a lot of apologising to do," he said.


Canada's not so bad after all:

Straight men to marry
Two heterosexual Canadian men are to tie the knot to enjoy the tax benefits of being a married couple.
Bill Dalrymple, 56, and best friend Bryan Pinn, 65, are taking advantage of Canada's new same-sex marriage legislation.
"I think it's a hoot," Mr Pinn told the Ottawa Sun.
But the two, both previously married to women, insist there is a serious issue behind the stunt.
"There are significant tax implications that we don't think the government has thought through," Mr Pinn said.
Mr Dalrymple has been to see a lawyer already and there are no laws in marriage that define sexual preference.
The 'couple' have still to set the date.


Better them than these guys:

Testicles under padlock for two weeks
A US man was taken to hospital after having his testicles stuck in a padlock for two weeks.
The man, from Brentwood, New Hampshire, says a friend fastened the padlock to his scrotum after a drinking session.
Corporal H D Wood IV said the man was severely intoxicated and had passed out.
He told police that when he woke up the padlock was locked around the top of his scrotum and his friend was gone.
"Never in my 13 years have I seen anything like this," Wood said.
The man tried to remove the padlock with a hacksaw after the key broke off inside the lock but without success.
He was taken to Exeter Hospital, where a locksmith was called to remove the lock. The man was treated and released without sustaining lasting injury.
"At this point we are not sure if it was a prank, or if it was an intentional act, or something done during a sexual act," Wood said.


And the coup de grace:

Couple had sex on police car
Dutch police have arrested a couple for having sex on the bonnet of their patrol car.
The couple, from Groningen, said they hadn't noticed the two policemen sitting in the car.
One of the officers got out of the car and told the couple to stop what they were doing and leave.
The 25-year-old man was arrested after he refused and insulted the policeman, reports Het Laatste Nieuws.
His 33-year-old lover was also arrested after she tried to stop the car from taking her boyfriend away.
A police spokesman said: "The law doesn't say you can't make love on the bonnet of a police car.
"But the policemen have to be available for duty. If the two lovers had left when they were told, nothing would have happened."

Bineaz

Thanks for those. you're the man! hehehe

Buzzz, thinking of retiring to Croatia?

I think I might just be the only woman on earth he has NOT asked! LOL How depressing is that?!hehehehe