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[You think?]
Team accused of cheating after 20-0 defeat
An Austrian football club has been accused of cheating after its players lost 20-0 in the final match of the season.
Podersdorf's defeat allowed their opponents Weiden to go top of the league on goal difference.
Weiden, who play in the Burgenland regional league, went ahead of bitter rivals Grosshoeflein club at the top of the table to walk off with the league title.
Grosshoeflein thought that they had secured the title for themsleves after defeating Wimpassing 6:0.
After angry protests by fans who accused Podersdorf of throwing the game to help Weiden win the title, Karl Kaplan, president of the Burgenland Football Federation, has announced a special inquiry.
He said: "I want to make sure that our second division football does not become a national laughing stock. We will investigate whether Podersdorf threw the game to help Weiden win the league title."

MP's battle to coach national team
A Ukrainian MP has launched a legal battle to continue coaching the country's national football team.
Oleg Blohin was forced to step down as national football team coach this week by a parliamentary committee.Under Ukrainian law, an MP can only have another job if it is in teaching, science or the arts, local media reports.
But Blohin insists his job as coach is effectively teaching and has taken his case to the Court of Appeal in Kiev in a bid to prove it.
Ukrainian FA president Grigory Surkis said: "We can only hope the court's decision allows Blohin to lead the team."


Reality show seeks new Pele
A reality show has been launched in Brazil to try to find the new Pele.
Broadcasters want 3,000 teenage footballers to take part, reports Clarin newspaper.
Bandeirantes TV hopes that one of them will prove worth of wearing the famous number 10 shirt.
The reality show is still selecting candidates from thousands of 14 and 15-year-old volunteers.
Mario Lobo Zagallo, technical coordinator of the Brazilian national team, is one of the experts who will judge the boys.
The experts will select six finalists to train with junior football teams, and the winner will be picked by the audience.

Football club on eBay
A football club owner is to put it on eBay after his attempts to give it away failed.
Dinel Staicu, owner of Romanian side Universitatea Craiova, tried to give the club to his local council.
He sent officials the ownership papers together with a covering letter saying he had had enough of being the butt of people's jokes.
But the council wrote back and said they were not interested now the once successful club was facing relegation.
Town mayor, Antonie Soloman, said: "The biggest problem is that we simply do not have the money to finance a struggling team. The budget has been set for the year already and there is no extra cash for football.
"It is true that we offered to buy the club from him before Christmas, but at that time he did not want to part with it."
Staicu said: "The only thing I can think of doing now is putting it on eBay and seeing if I can find someone to take it over."


Man U's new owners hire translators
Manchester United's new US owners have hired translators to explain the game to them.
Bryan, Avi and Joel Garner were puzzled by some of the chants of the fans, according to the Sun.
So they've hired advisers to sit alongside them during matches to translate and to explain the rules of the game.
The Mirror's source said: "They were bemused when their own team threw the ball to the opposition but were told it was good sportsmanship.
"It also had to be explained who the 'b***ard in the black' was, especially as the ref was wearing green. They found that funny."

Student's degree on Shearer
A Swedish student has received a masters degree - for a dissertation on Alan Shearer.
Jenny Lindstrom wrote her 32-page thesis on the Newcastle United striker, reports the Mirror.
Her essay, The King of Newcastle - Alan Shearer Is Above Football, earned her a Society and Media masters degree.
Jenny, 27, said: "The relationship between Alan Shearer and Newcastle is unique. He is the hero of a modern fairy tale."

[I bet they don't have a camp for this:]
Boy built backyard rollercoaster
A 14-year-old German boy has been ordered to pull down a 300ft long roller coaster which he built in his backyard.
The boy, unnamed due to German privacy laws, from Offenburg built the 16-foot-high wooden construction over the summer holidays.
He even designed his own carriage which can reach speeds of up to 30 mph.
But local town planning officials say he must pull it down again because he did not ask for planning permission.
They say the construction is too large and not built to rollercoaster safety standards. The boy has until mid-September to tear it down if he wants to avoid a fine.

[Considering what they do to there soccer players, the cow got off lucky.]
Cow jailed in Colombia
A cow has been put in prison after it was blamed for a road accident in Colombia.
The cow was wandering along a road in Giron when was hit by a woman on a motorcycle.
The woman was not badly hurt but police decided the cow was a danger and 'arrested' it.
Officers were unable to find out who owns the cow and are keeping it in the town's prison.
A police spokesman said: "If it was a person who caused the accident, he or she would be behind bars, so why not a cow?"

[The cow was really lucky.]

Woman, 93, grabbed robber where it hurts
A 93-year-old woman with a "grip like iron" fought back against a robber by grabbing him by the testicles.
The Lithuanian woman, who says her strong grip is down to years of milking goats, held on to the man until police arrived.
Soja Popova, from Klaipeda, was shoved to the ground when she opened the door to two young men.
But she fought back by grabbing the nearest by the testicles and squeezing "with all my force as hard as I could".
She told police: "He started screaming like an animal and his friend was trying to pull him free, but I have a grip like iron."
The man's screams of agony and his friend's shouts for the woman to let go alerted neighbors, who called police.
The pair were caught after escaping through a bedroom window and into the street where a police car was waiting to take the injured man to hospital and his friend to a jail cell.
A police spokesman said: "They would not have got far, one of them could hardly walk and seemed pleased when he saw the police car. He demanded that he be taken to hospital because he was in so much pain."

Bored student proposes mid-exam
A law student was so bored with his final year paper that he stood up in the middle of the exam and asked his girlfriend to marry him.
Student Edin Smailovic, 29, requested permission to address the rest of the students during an economic law exam at Bijelo Polje University in Montenegro.
Examiners gave their permission believing he had a query regarding the paper that was also of importance to the rest of the group.
But after approaching the front of the room he got down on one knee and asked his 26-year-old girlfriend, Edita Bikic, who was also sitting the exam, to marry him.
"I had planned to take Edita on holiday to Egypt after our exams were over and propose there, but I was so bored with the paper and so excited about the prospect of getting married that I decided I had to ask her there and then," said Smailovic.
Edita said "yes" and the couple are to marry later this month, local daily Glas Javnosti reported.

Monk sets 20th travel record
An Anglican monk has become the first person to travel around all 25 EU countries by public transport.
Brother Michael Bartlett, 64, covered 10,000 miles with a Eurolines coach pass.
He now holds 20 different bizarre travel records including the most flights in 24 hours at 42.
"I am now looking for a 21st record to set and I will keep on travelling. It is wonderful to meet new people and go to new places," he said.
Brother Michael, from Sandy, in Bedfordshire, began his marathon journey in Malta and finished in Dublin to establish the record.
He added: "It was something I just thought would be fun to do and great experience. I have been fascinated with travel since I was a young boy and used to play truant to go on train journeys.
"My fellow travellers through the entire trip were great though they did think I was mad to even attempt the record."

[Public service announcements]

Birth as art
A woman has given birth as part of an exhibition in a German art gallery in front of dozens of spectators.
Ramune Gele, 27, gave birth to her first child, a healthy baby girl named Audra, in the DNA art gallery in the capital Berlin.
The father, 29-year-old musician Winfried Witt, who said before the birth "it's a gift to humanity, a once in a lifetime thing", called the experience "an existential work of art".
Johann Novak, manager of the gallery, said the couple wanted to challenge conventional norms.
"It's a bit of test to see if society can cope," he said.
Some 30 members of the public were contacted when Gele went into labour.
But the "live art exhibition" was heavily criticised by some including doctors and religious leaders.
"A birth is an intimate act, and should remain that way," said Stefan Foerner, 40, spokesman for the Church in Berlin.


Yodelling goes online
Yodelling courses are being offered online after scientists claimed it was healthier than yoga or jogging.
The study, carried out by scientists at Graz University, found that yodelling eased tension and stress by releasing endorphins, as well as giving lungs a healthy workout.
Austrian tourism officials started offering yodelling courses and were astounded by the massive demand with places booked up weeks in advance.
The biggest course in Graz is oversubscribed with almost four applications for every place, so an online yodelling course has now opened up for those who cannot get a place.
Hermann Haertel, a professional yodeller who runs a course in Graz, believes that the time is long overdue for a revival.
He said: "Yodelling is alive again in the Alps - it is the music of the mountains. To yodel one needs to use all one's energy.
"It is a powerful cry that comes from the soul, and once you start it becomes addictive."
Website http://www.yodelcourse.com offers ten yodelling lessons in six languages that end with a diploma (Certificate of Yodelology) for those who complete the course.

20-0?!?! What were they doing... sleeping? hehehehe

These German are sure weird! Must have been one heck of an art exhibit!

And about that Man U piece...

WTF? Part II

Man lifts 14 bricks with his 'horn'

A Chinese pensioner can lift up to 14 bricks with a 'horn' that's grown on his forehead.



Wang Ying, 73, has been practicing Kung Fu, especially the study of Qi, since he was just eight-years-old.
But his studies took a new direction after a 5cm long tumour grew on his forehead.



Doctors told him they could not operate on the tumour because of its location.
So Wang has incorporated it into his Qi routine.
He lives in a farm in Pei County, Jiangsu Province, and walked for 18 days to Nanjing to show off his stunt.

Heard this one in Italia... good Belusca joke

Jesus Chirst comes down and assesses what has been going on in the world. He doesn't like what he sees. He blames Bin Laden, Pres Bush and Berlusconi for all the world's troubles and decides to summon them before him.

Jesus says to them I don't like what I'm seeing. This is not what I envisioned. Unfortunately you will all have to be punished for all this misery you have caused. The punishment is for you and all your people to shovel shit for the next 10 years.

Bin Laden returns to Afghanistan and summons his people. He states to them I have 2 pieces of bad news: 1) I met Jesus Christ therefore the religion of Islam is a hoax and 2) Jesus was not happy with what has happened in the world with our terrorist acts and is holding us accountable. Our punishment is shovel shit for the next 10 years.

President Bush returns and summons Congress for a State of the Union. He states to the US: I have good news and bad news. The good news is I met Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. This verifies and strengthens our religious beliefs. However, our Lord was not happy with the world and the war we have chosen to pursue and has punished us to 10 years of shoveling shit.

Berlusconi returns and summons the Italian Parliament and states: I have two pieces of great news. I have met my FATHER, Jesus Christ. I always knew he was my father and it was great to meet him and get reaquainted. The second piece of great news is that we have work for 10 years!

=============================================

For those of you who don't know Berlusconi, he's the Italian prime minester who is know as a major spin master (or BS artist). The joke was very, very funny when I first heard it about 2 weeks in Italia and in Italian.

LOL LOL LOL

He should be the first in line for the "work."

A Marine (USNA grad) was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:





"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Tempers were already short at 4:32 a.m. this morning, when….later in the day came an unscripted moment that Fox News' Shep Smith may remember for a while. Smith tried to conduct a "man on the street interview" (video clip) with a guy in New Orleans walking his two dogs in the middle of the storm. As you'll see, the interview didn't quite go the way Shep had likely hoped. The exchange:

Smith: You're live on Fox News Channel, what are you doing?
Man: Walking my dogs.
Smith: Why are you still here? I'm just curious.
Man: None of your fucking business.
Smith: Oh that was a good answer, wasn't it? That was live on international television. Thanks so much for that. You know we apologize ...
Fox anchor: Well, that's the attitude ...

http://movies.crooksandliars.com/noneofyourfuckingbiz.wmv

I thought this was a more or less normal response to Fucks News.

So are you saying it's not funny Eugene. :
:

Oh no, it is still funny as hell.

Fuxks News -- 69 -- fair and balanced

A MEXICAN GHOST STORY
>
>
>
> This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and
> even though it sounds like
> an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:
>
> This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on
> a very dark and stormy
> night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went
> by.
>
> The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few
> feet ahead of him.
> Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and
> stopped. The guy, without
> thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door,
> and only then realized
> that there was nobody behind the wheel!
> The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy
> looks at the road and
> sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to
> pray and begs for his
> life.
>
> Just before the car hits the curve, a hand
> appears through the window
> and turns the wheel.
>
> The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the
> hand appeared each time
> the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength,
> he gets out of the car
> and runs all the way to the nearest town.
>
> Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks
> for two shots of tequila
> and starts telling everybody about the horrible
> experience he just went
> through. A silence enveloped everyone when they
> realized the guy was crying
> hysterically and wasn't drunk.
>
> About a half hour later, two other guys walk
> into the same cantina and
> one said to the other, "Mira, vato. That's the
> Pendejo that got in the car
> while we were pushing it!"

LOL

LOL!!!!! :P

Q: Who was the last to fuck the Aussies and bring back the Ashes?




A: Paula Yates.

Must be an inside-UK joke.

Last year the Rugby World Cup, this year the Ashes and next year?


Fuck all if they play like they did against N.I.

Probably is, Bineaz. Paula Yates was seeing Michael Hutchence of INXS fame before he died. Even had a few kids together, if I remember right. She's dead too now anyway.

And The Ashes is a bi-annual cricket test series between England and Australia, which England just won for the first time in god knows how long.

Hope the joke makes sense now. I thought it was a good one. :P

And now Bob Geldof's feeding their kids.

How Hutchence chose Paula Yates over his previous missus is beyond me.

The names of Paula Yates 4 children: Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Pixie (with Sir Bob)

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, known as Tiger Lily (with Michael Hutchence)

hehehe It is a cricket joke. England just beat Australia at Cricket for the first time in a long time. I think....

Who is Paula Yates?

I already said who she was, Buzz :P She was the gf of Michael Hutchence, the now dead singer of the Australian band INXS. She had previously been married to Bob Geldof, he of the live aid and live 8 nonsense.

You see, she was still fucking Hutchence, so she brought his "ashes" back from Australia when he died, and now England have won the ashes in cricket against Australia.

My jokes are under appreciated They don't have the same effect if I have to go into such detail

OK. Another joke:

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "no way." They said 'come on, please, it's for spastics and blind children.'

So I thought, "fuck it, I could win this."

8)

awwww...... You poor sweet thing! hehehehe

Thanks, Buzz But did you edit my post? :P

"And now Bob Geldof's feeding their kids."

He's already feeding billions of kids, so I guess he wouldn't notice a few more:)

Burger King have withdrawn an Ice Cream Cone to avoid offending Muslims. The swirl on the label resembles the word Allah I'm told.

A spokesman said:

Shouldn’t the muslims instead withdraw the word allah because it looks a bit too much like a representation of a mr whippy?
They could call him dave instead.

Mark wrote:Thanks, Buzz But did you edit my post? :P

nope sorry. me barely ever get my own posts right, never mind correct other people's. That is something you do not want me doing. Trust me. hehehehe

Subject: FIRST DATE


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays This was on
the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find
the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was
a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving
back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she
should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away
from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware
of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a
reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten
her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized
that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the
other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee
her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."

...And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being 'pissed
off.

oh ghees!

I had a similar story with LIANA (Falc, remember her?)

How could I forget the lovely Liana!

Eugene Berkovich wrote:I had a similar story with LIANA (Falc, remember her?)

HEY! You never told me that story. I wanna hear it PLLLLEEEZZZZ!

We were going to a club in Gainesville (University Center for those who keep score). Liana, after consuming a bottle of Crown Royale with her female friend, absolutely had to take a piss. Problem was, it was 1 A.M. at night and every respectable business in the neighborhood was closed except for this club, of course, and the line to this club was huge.

So, she got out, pulled her thong down, hiked up her mini, and squatted down next to my rear passenger side tire. Of course, a police vehicle just had to be two parking meters down and cop just had to be in it.

I ended up having a very unpleasant conversation with a cop, a ticket, and a musky smelling tire. Liana made off with her mesmerizing smile.


She did make it up to me that night, though, so it was all worth it....

P.S. Why in hell did I have to get married???

EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! LOL I hope you made her take a shower first! hehehe

Buzzz wrote:EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! LOL I hope you made her take a shower first! hehehe

More than you know ;)

George Bush was asked at a press conference if he had an opinion on Roe Vs Wade. He responded that he didn't care either way how people left New Orleans.

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"