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Marko I would have you know that I have good hands!!!!

Well, Buzz, now that I'm single again, you could put those hands to good use 8)

Just hands?

Well, she has to start somewhere :P Her lips could also prove useful, either set of lips will suffice 8)

You two!!!! What happened Mark? I thought you and your GF were pretty close.

Come now Eugene! What are you buying me for christmas?

I'm buying you my hopes and dreams!

I don't know about your hopes but your dreams are a bit too kinky for me sorry. I will settle for a new Civic.

My hopes are to make my dreams a reality.

I don't know, Buzz. We were barely out of our teens when we met, and now we've changed so much and grown apart from one another. It was a mutual decision, but I'm not completely happy about it.

Ah well, plenty of other fish in the sea...

hehehehe Do you have any dreams that does not involve various rendezvous with young women?

I heard this over the radio not too long ago....


In Israel apparently a lot of mail comes addressed to the almighty. And most arrive around christmas time. Handling these letters is the job of one specific person, and he usually takes the letters to the wailing wall but occasionally some are read. One letter came some time ago from an Israeli man who gave a long sad story, and he asked for $5,000. The postal workers felt so sorry for him that they took up a collection which amounted to $4300 and sent it too him. Some time later a 2nd letter from the man arrived and it read; "please lord do not use the postal workers next time, because they are all thieves, the money arrived $700 short!!!!". hehehehe

Silent Night Holy Night Reloaded:

http://www.jokeworld.de/media/video/partytime.wmv

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old player aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a Soccer team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when you receive a yellow card, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the Referee , or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Christmas Jokes

GIFT EXCHANGE

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the creche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So, he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And, why did you take Him?", the pastor asked.

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

A Boys' Christmas Prayer

Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:

"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."

His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."

The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."

hehehehehehe

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

There's more truth in that than one would believe. Youth coaches and referees sometimes have a hard time like one wouldn't believe.

Parents have been know to do all that and fight amoung themselves as well.

Mark wrote:I don't know, Buzz. We were barely out of our teens when we met, and now we've changed so much and grown apart from one another. It was a mutual decision, but I'm not completely happy about it.

Ah well, plenty of other fish in the sea...

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) You know what they say, one door closes and another will open. Take heart, maybe the girl of your dreams is just around the corner. Enjoy being single until then.

Felix K wrote:

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

There's more truth in that than one would believe. Youth coaches and referees sometimes have a hard time like one wouldn't believe.

In a couple of years, I will be one of these football parents. My community has a nice community center and a football (soccer) league for 4 year-olds. My son #1 will join that league in 2007.

I feel sorry for the coach already!

Thanks, Buzz.

Yeah, I'll enjoy being single, with the exception of this holiday season, as those country girls, you're always suspicious of their parents also being siblings. :

Mark wrote:you're always suspicious of their parents also being siblings.

Learning from Eugene are ya?! ;)

Nah, Buzz. I meant that their parents could be brother and sister, meaning the girl would be inbred :P Not quite the same as Eugene's situation.

hehehe sorry... Well I guess as long as she has the right equiptment!!!!

Mark wrote:Nah, Buzz. I meant that their parents could be brother and sister, meaning the girl would be inbred :P Not quite the same as Eugene's situation.

In-laws are the way to go

I know you're hiding the puck there somewhere!

An old man and a young man go walking through the woods when they meet a frog. The frog says "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman in the whole world, and I'll be yours forever." The two men look at eachother, then the old man picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The young man asks "why did you do that?". The old man says "cause at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog".

Disraeli knew of a lady who asked a gentleman if he believed in Platonic friendship. He replied, "After, but not before."

hehehe

FIFA declared "The 10 Most Doubtful Bad Calls in World Cup" DVD invalid, which is believed to be made by a Japanese enterprise.

FIFA acknowledged that the Japanese company which produced these DVDs had malicious intentions to harm its rival country in her region by making, distributing and getting it authorized. The person who annulled the authorization of this product was also the person who approved this product formerly. He explained later that he was intianlly told that the company was owned by a French person and judged that there's no malicious intentions in making such a product.

While investigating the qualities of the DVD, he found out that it was actually made by a Japanese enterprise, not a French one, and that the producer actually had wicked intentions to harm its regional rival. Eventually, he took back his previous decision.

This DVD titled "The 10 Most Doubtful Bad Calls in World Cup" brought controversy in Korea because it contained four of the ten from the 2002 World Cup Korea/Japan.

Canadians, it's true right that there's a law (practice) to stop and assist stranded drivers when the temperature reaches single digits.

Have you heard this?

A cop saw a car on the side of the road idling. He looked in and saw a guy passed out with a bottle of vodka on the front seat. The cop knocks on the window, the guy, surprised, guns the gas, but the car was in a ditch and while the speedometer read 50 KPH and the tires were spinning, he wasn't moving.

He couldn't shake the cop, however, and hit the gas further. The bemused cop starts to jog in place while the drunk keeps trying to evade him; finally he gives up and--stops?--turned off the car stunned the cop could keep up with him.

Really? Supposedly happened in Moosejaw.

Brother Bineaz

It must be either a municipal law that Moosejaw has or just a common understanding amongst the community. I can assure you that there is no such law on a national scale.

Now, if you woundn't mind answering my questions on the calcio board, now....

You know you're living in 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends ... you know you want to!

PONDERABLES

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like ever y two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, wi ll they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who do they call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is ta ken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twink le Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Tarzan loses his virginity

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

I feel like chicken tonight

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Check out the site below. Turns out that I would be a St. Bernard. Find out what you are:


http://www.gone2thedogs.com/

Jay Leno

Let me sum up the State of the Union for you — we’re in good shape, not as good as Exxon. But still pretty good.

Bernese Mountain Dog

: :

Pabs you are a sick man.

Falc wrote:Check out the site below. Turns out that I would be a St. Bernard. Find out what you are:


http://www.gone2thedogs.com/

I'm a curly coated retriever.