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This one's hysterical:

http://www.myzvue.com/zvue/reporter-get ... -accident/

THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!

LOL

ROTFLMAO@Falc & Boye

Interesting bumper sticker:

The shortest sentence is:

I am.

The longest is:

I do.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

What patients say during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

Falc I did not know you had such a great funny bone!

Buzzz - Sense of humour is what I have. Pretty good wit, sometimes quick. But the jokes I post around here are emails that are sent to me. When I find them to be truly funny, I post them. I have to say, the one about the note to the wife had me in stitches.

On this date:

In 1871, journalist-explorer Henry M. Stanley found missing Scottish missionary David Livingstone in central Africa.

In 1919, the American Legion held its first national convention, in Minneapolis.

In 1928, Hirohito was enthroned as Emperor of Japan.

In 1942, Winston Churchill delivered a speech in London in which he said, "I have not become the King's First Minister to preside over the liquidation of the British Empire."

In 1954, the Iwo Jima Memorial was dedicated by President Eisenhower in Arlington, Va.

In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on PBS.

In 1975, the U.N. General Assembly approved a resolution equating Zionism with racism (the world body repealed the resolution in December 1991).

In 1975, the ore-hauling ship Edmund Fitzgerald and its crew of 29 vanished during a storm in Lake Superior.

In 1982, the newly finished Vietnam Veterans Memorial was opened to its first visitors in Washington, D.C.

In 1982, Soviet leader Leonid I. Brezhnev died at age 75.

Ten years ago: Defying international appeals for clemency, Nigeria's military rulers hanged playwright Ken Saro-Wiwa along with eight other anti-government activists. Searchers in Katmandu, Nepal, rescued 549 hikers after a massive avalanche struck the Himalayan foothills, killing 24 tourists and 32 Nepalese.

Five years ago: The battle over Florida's disputed presidential election continued, with George W. Bush's camp pressing Al Gore to concede without pursuing multiple recounts, and Democrats pressing ahead with protests, determined to find enough votes to erase Bush's razor-thin lead in initial counting.

One year ago: Word reached the United States of the death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat at age 75 (because of the time difference, it was the early hours of November 11 in Paris, where Arafat died). President Bush nominated White House counsel Alberto Gonzales to be attorney general, succeeding John Ashcroft. France, the United States and other nations began evacuating thousands of foreigners from Ivory Coast following attacks on civilians and peacekeeping troops.

Today's Birthdays:
Film composer Ennio Morricone is 77.
Actor Roy Scheider is 73.
Movie director Roland Emmerich is 50.
Actor-comedian Sinbad is 49.
Actress Mackenzie Phillips is 46.
Actor Michael Jai White is 41.
Actress Brittany Murphy is 28.
Rapper Eve is 27.

.

I saw a homeless guy get off the bus the other day. I wonder how he knew it was his stop?

The number of obese children in the UK number approximately 1 million. If they all jumped up and down at once.......



.....maybe the lazy fat cunts would finally lose some weight?

Cats have nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation 8)

I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on a bus than a fat woman sitting down crying

What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog all the time?

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

Someone said to me the other day "Can you spare a few minutes for breast cancer research?" I said "OK, but we won't get much done"

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself

I was walking through a rough area of town the other night, when a young teenage urchin approached me in a state of high anxiety. I asked him what the problem was, and he said "My mate and me have been mugged! Can you help me?"

"Of course I can help you", I replied. "The correct thing to say would have been "My friend and I have been mugged". You're welcome, kid, now be on your way".

You should always unplug appliances before going to bed at night. There are two exceptions to this rule: Fridges and life-support machines. Otherwise you could end up wasting a lot of vegetables

A girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. 8)

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it

dedicated to all the dudes on the board!

Just hit the execute button...

LOL

When will wonders ever cease?

Man pulls truck with penis

A 50-year-old Californian man pulled a truck with his penis for a British film crew.

Martial arts grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng attached himself to the truck and pulled it several yards across a car park in Fremont.

The Tri-Valley Herald reports that he first tied a strip of blue fabric around his penis and testicles and tugged to make sure it was on tight.

An assistant then kicked him hard between the legs before he lashed himself to the vehicle.

About 20 people, most of whom study Qigong, the ancient Chinese art of movement and breathing to increase energy, gathered for the truck pull.

Jin-Sheng, originally from Taiwan, is the grandmaster of Iron Crotch, a branch of Qigong said to have 60,000 followers worldwide.

Its practitioners are known to lift hundreds of pounds with their genitals to increase energy and sexual performance.

A film crew from London were on hand to shoot the truck-pulling feat for a three-part series called Penis Envy, due to be broadcast next year on Channel 4.

God softens football hardman

A Croatian football star says his team are losing matches because he can no longer commit fouls since finding God.

Hajduk Split defender Goran Granic has come in for a storm of criticism for abandoning his trademark hard tackles on opponents.

But Granic has now revealed his Catholicism is behind his softer style of play.

He told daily newspaper Slobodna Dalmacija: "I'm so devoted to God now that I have started to avoid committing fouls during matches.

"God has created football for fun and relaxation. He would not like players to commit harsh fouls."

He added: "I could probably have saved some key goals during the season, including in the Champions League qualifying games, if I had committed fouls to stop players scoring."

Hajduk Split are reigning Croatian champions but this season they failed to qualify for the Champions League and are currently fifth in the Croatian league.

Good heavens!!!!

"I could probably have saved some key goals during the season, including in the Champions League qualifying games, if I had committed fouls to stop players scoring."

LOL; he must be hiding out in a church because I'm sure the fans don't appreciate his newly found religiosity.

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

The Bear

An Atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushesbehind him. He turned to look and he saw a 7-foot Grizzly charge toward him. He looked again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment the Atheist cried out "Oh my God...!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit the creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count on you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but could you perhaps make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke.

"Lord bless this food, which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."

No Nativity Scene in Washington This Year

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable...

Baaruumppbummp.

Oh dear.... Gentlemen, Gentlemen! hehehe

So, Michael Jackson is in bed with his latest sexual conquest, who after the act, says "you're a pervert!". Michael replies, "What would you know? You're only twelve!"

What does MJ like best about twntynine year olds?

There's twenty of 'em.

Check this out:

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

LOL LOL

bineaz wrote:God softens football hardman

A Croatian football star says his team are losing matches because he can no longer commit fouls since finding God.

Hajduk Split defender Goran Granic has come in for a storm of criticism for abandoning his trademark hard tackles on opponents.

But Granic has now revealed his Catholicism is behind his softer style of play.

He told daily newspaper Slobodna Dalmacija: "I'm so devoted to God now that I have started to avoid committing fouls during matches.

"God has created football for fun and relaxation. He would not like players to commit harsh fouls."

He added: "I could probably have saved some key goals during the season, including in the Champions League qualifying games, if I had committed fouls to stop players scoring."

Hajduk Split are reigning Croatian champions but this season they failed to qualify for the Champions League and are currently fifth in the Croatian league.

No blood no foul!!!!

Eugene, you've been away, everyone missed their favoritwe bodyguard.

Did you catch the end of (HBO) Rome?

Yes, I did.

I loved it. However, one thing worries me. With Pullo gone to wonderland with his ex-slave, the gorgeous Vorenus' wife and Ceasar dead, what are they going to do for the second season? Is Octavian going to be the show's main story? Or Mark Antony?

They plan to introduce lesbian sex scenes. Ellen Degenerate is to cast aspiring actress' and will ensure all muffins are Roman enough.

Historians are up in arms and are quoted as saying:

Nobody liked girls back then and while we understand that showing Mark Antony being rattled by a slave boy is unlikely to increase ratings we are concerned about the education implications.

Do we really want our Children to grow up thinking Cesar wasn't a big gayer?

Fuquit wrote:They plan to introduce lesbian sex scenes. Ellen Degenerate is to cast aspiring actress' and will ensure all muffins are Roman enough.

Historians are up in arms and are quoted as saying:

Nobody liked girls back then and while we understand that showing Mark Antony being rattled by a slave boy is unlikely to increase ratings we are concerned about the education implications.

Do we really want our Children to grow up thinking Cesar wasn't a big gayer?

We just want children to know that Ceasar is not just a salad dressing...

I enjoyed it a lot too. I give it two pollex up.

The show got me going to read on into the history, which I hadn't brushed up on.. One book: Rubicon: The Last Years of the Roman Republic brought it into good focus. I recommend it, by a Brit author.

The production took its own liberties with the storyline, but held pretty close to the history. What comes up basically is Octanian and Antony's triumvirate as they chase down Brutus and the other assassins (also Cicero). I'm sure the Servilia plot line will settle itself through this. Perhaps for a third season they will resolve the matter with Octavian winning out over suicidal Antony/Cleopatra

What I didn't like was they had lots of good sex (i.e., Atia) in the first couple episodes but then they really let up. The violence at least came to a great crescendo.

bineaz wrote:I enjoyed it a lot too. I give it two pollex up.

The show got me going to read on into the history, which I hadn't brushed up on.. One book: Rubicon: The Last Years of the Roman Republic brought it into good focus. I recommend it, by a Brit author.

The production took its own liberties with the storyline, but held pretty close to the history. What comes up basically is Octanian and Antony's triumvirate as they chase down Brutus and the other assassins (also Cicero). I'm sure the Servilia plot line will settle itself through this. Perhaps for a third season they will resolve the matter with Octavian winning out over suicidal Antony/Cleopatra

What I didn't like was they had lots of good sex (i.e., Atia) in the first couple episodes but then they really let up. The violence at least came to a great crescendo.

One thing that disappointed me personally is lack of battles. I know, limited time format, but, 30 seconds for the battle between Pompei and Ceasar's forces? No cut throats, exposed guts and spilled blood????

Yes the Pompey-Caeser matchup was side-stepped.

Well Portsmouth are pretty dire these days, not even Harry Redknapp would have saved them from defeat against Caesar.

I don't use Vodafone, because of their advertising slogan. They call themselves the largest mobile community, but surely that's the gypsies?

Being working class is nothing to be ashamed of, a bit like masturbation - nothing to be ashamed of but nothing to be proud of either. They both give you calluses on your hands.

When it comes to the environment, it's not us or our children but our children's children who will pay, which is a relief.

Older men don't use viagra because they are impotent, they use it because elderly women are pig-ugly.

A dog is for life, not just for christmas, so do be careful which woman you pick up at the office party this christmas.

I live near a special needs school on a busy road. There's a sign outside, it says "Slow, children". I said to the writer "That can't do much for their self esteem!". The writer said "It's OK, they can't read it".

Don't you hate it when you ask a fat woman "When is the baby due?". You wish a hole would open up in the ground....... and swallow the pig up. It would have to be a fuckin big hole, mind you.